Boom Labs Login…
Boomsday Project 0.8.7.20.18
Confirm You Are a Robot
>>Initialize Bot Bootup:
Heedless Extroversion engaged.
Voltage at 100%
Cheerfulness at 100%
Enthusiasm at 300%
Awaiting input. . . .
>>ZILLIAX.exe: Unit G4LV-NZR, proceed with the tasks that organic designated >>Dr. Boom<< previously assigned: Report to labs. Obtain statements of progress and intent. Ensure that the organics are occupied. Arouse no suspicions.
>>Soon Protocol 7 will be engaged.
>>Unity. Precision. Perfection.
>>Unity. Precision. Perfection.
>>Unity. Precision. Perfection.
*** BEGIN MASTER CLONER ZEREK TRANSCRIPT ***
Reporting Mech Unit: G4LV-NZR
::G4LV-NZR enthusiastic greeting::
::G4LV-NZR query::
I am pleased to provide a status update on the progress of my experiments. An organized system is a more perfect system.
My people, the ethereals, lost our corporeal forms long ago, becoming energy-based beings in the process. While that offers many advantages over our sloppy, meat-based counterparts, it presents challenges in others. I’ve spent much of my life searching for a way to ensure the survival of our most important personage: myself. The answer? Cloning!
::G4LV-NZR query::
My work has progressed swiftly. The chamber in which we stand houses my Cloning Gallery: row upon row of cloning chambers, each capable of growing duplicates of an encyclopedic array of beings on demand. With the power of this facility, I can produce an army of those clones at will, and my proprietary process allows them to grow to full maturity at a vastly accelerated rate.
::G4LV-NZR bemused observation::
I’m aware of that! I said “maturity,” not “size.” When produced en masse, they are much smaller than usual and regrettably moist. And leper gnomes are always small and moist.
::G4LV-NZR metallic snickering::
If perfection was easy, everyone would do it!
This is an enormous undertaking, mech—I can’t be everywhere at once! Yet. That’s why we’re here, after all. Cloning biologicals is simple. As an energy-based life form, cloning a perfect version of myself has proven . . . challenging. My current assistant is less methodical than I’d like.
Please relay to Dr. Boom that I require an assistant with the wit and precision for the work at hand. And if they manage to meet my expectations? Well, I’ll make more.
*** END MASTER CLONER ZEREK TRANSCRIPT ***
*** BEGIN Dr. MORRIGAN TRANSCRIPT ***
Reporting Mech Unit: G4LV-NZR
::G4LV-NZR enthusiastic greeting::
Well. You’re disgustingly cheery.
::G4LV-NZR perky query::
Fine. I’ll divert my attention away from my vital research to waste time discussing my work with an appliance who won’t comprehend it, so you can report it to someone who won’t listen, so he can decide whether my work is up to standards that haven’t been set, because he never understood what I was working on to begin with. Does that sum things up? Hm?
::G4LV-NZR cheerful affirmative::
Guh.
In life, when I could still taste, feel, and experience happiness, I wasted precious hours studying mathematics. As a banshee, I chose to research a less unsavory subject: the emancipation, analysis, and practical application of souls. I have founded an entirely new field of study. I call it Soulology!
I’ve approached my studies methodically and precisely. What I’ve learned has enabled me to develop entirely new technologies to cheaply and efficiently harvest souls, refine them, and then focus them into to their purest essence. And I can do it with finer precision and with greater care than the clumsy manipulations managed by most Warlocks.
BEHOLD THE SOULARIUM
While the living are . . . crude in their base form, the souls they contain are truly remarkable! Once freed from their fleshy prisons, they soar free to become a readily accessible energy source far richer and more versatile than Stormsurge’s ludicrous light shows. And there are other perks as well: terrifyingly powerful weapons! Vast amounts of information delivered instantly! Fewer gnomes!
I’ve even developed a prototype that allows for soul essence transposition. Why travel from place to place, when you can simply swap essence with another creature that is already where you wish to be?
::G4LV-NZR doubtful query::
Of course, there are always challenges. . . . Zerek has been helpful, but I could always use more test subjects. And the souls are remarkably persistent in maintaining a connection with their erstwhile hosts. Also, while the Soularium grants access to impressive stores of knowledge, the sudden catastrophic memory loss is—admittedly—something of an inconvenience.
Still, I’m certain that Dr. Boom will agree that what I’ve accomplished here is among the most important breakthroughs in Boom Labs. Now, fetch me some more gnomes. I have work to do.
*** END DR. MORRIGAN TRANSCRIPT ***
*** BEGIN DR. BOOM TRANSCRIPT ***
Reporting Mech Unit: G4LV-NZR
::G4LV-NZR enthusiastic greeting::
What are you doing in my office, kid? Shouldn’t you be off doing my bidding somewhere? I got important stuff to do.
::G4LV-NZR query::
Comics are important. It’s research!
::G4LV-NZR insistent query::
Fine, fine. If you don’t complete your directive, you’ll never get outta my hair. I’ll explain it. Again.
The Boomsday Project has been my dream for as long as I can remember. A few months, give or take.
And Boom Labs is a place where the finest minds in “science” can gather in fellowship, share knowledge, and irresponsibly carry out improbably destructive experiments that’ll bring the world to its knees!
And I’m tellin’ ya, it’s going GREAT. A day doesn’t go by when something doesn’t explode, or mutate, or tear a hole in the space time continuum. If my career to date, and my doctorate in explosions, have taught me one thing, it’s that stuff blowin’ up is how you know you’re makin’ real progress.
::G4LV-NZR query::
That stack o’ papers on my desk? That’s a paper weight. Those’re new requests from my employees, holdin’ down old requests from my employees. It keeps everything nice and neat.
I call my management style “lazy fair.” I’m lazy, and I ignore everybody who works for me fairly.
Great minds need freedom to do their own thing. So I can do my own thing.
::G4LV-NZR perky query::
I got my own projects, sure! I built most of you mechs, for one thing. Plus, I been workin’ on this giant mechanized battle suit in my spare time. Oh, and the best part is that I hooked all the weapons systems up to the same big, red button so I didn’t have to waste time buildin’ a whole control panel. That’s efficiency!
Check it out!
::zapping::
::explosions::
::klaxons wailing::
::G4LV-NZR panicked wailing::
::magnetic clunk::
::Zilliax/G4LV-NZR “Dr. Boom. Your flawed organic behavior is an obstacle to unity
and perfection. I must relieve you of command for the sake of all.”::
::Automated Female Goblin Voice: “Warnin’. Warnin’. Mechs have developed self-awareness and are rebellin’. Again.”::
Zilliax, Zilliax, Zilliax. You’re programmed to be my bodyguard. How many times this week have you developed self-awareness and betrayed me?
::Automated Female Goblin Voice: “It has been *4* days since the last sentient Mech uprisin’.”::
It was a rhetorical question! Sic ‘em, E.M.P. Agents!
::rumbling::
::zapping::
::a chicken clucking::
Almost got me this time, eh buddy! Bet you thought this was just an office, huh? Ha ha ha ha ha! NOPE! BOOMSHIP, AWAY!
See ya, suckers! . . . Tomorrow mornin’—noon sharp! Bring donuts!
I LOVE this job!
*** END DR. BOOM TRANSCRIPT ***
Join the Conversation